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Broken Heart 101

(The following article is provided by: (c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!)

The Soul Mate Debate

Are you looking or waiting for your soul mate? Many singles spend a lot of energy and time waiting and searching for their soul mate. But are soul mates found or created?

The notion of soul mates stems from the concepts of reincarnation and karma. Soul mates are defined as two souls reincarnating alongside each other over and over again, playing different roles to each other, such as lovers, adversaries, parent and child, victim and murderer, coworkers, etc. Some will argue soul mates were separated at the beginning of time, and so in each lifetime they seek to reunite in some way.

If you were to find your soul mate, the theory is you would be able to instantly recognize him or her. You would feel connected, at home, recognized, valued, loved again, instantly. The two of you will reconnect, fall in love all over again and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, this is not quite how the soul mate thing works. Here are some sobering thoughts about the notion of soul mates:

• Each of us could have an unlimited number of soul mates. We have many close relationships in a lifetime, so who is to say any one or all of them could be our soul mates?
  
• Intimate relationships with soul mates are less likely to work out. That's because if someone is truly your soul mate, you have been around the block with each other too many times in too many different ways. Along with intense passion for each other, you will also feel intense anger and resentment.
  
• If you instantly recognize or feel connected to someone, does that automatically mean he or she is your soul mate? It could be that this person simply has very similar childhood family patterns or adult dating patterns as you do, allowing you to feel instantly at home.
  
• If you immediately recognize someone who was a lover in one past life and an adversary in another, how likely is an intimate relationship between the two of you to work out?
  
• The idea that soul mates will find and instantly recognize each other presumes past life memories are at the surface and can be tapped into at any time. Do you remember your past lives, especially if you do not believe in past lives and reincarnation?

Because of the points above, I think those who say they are looking or waiting for their soul mate really mean they are looking or waiting for someone with whom love, relationship, and intimacy will happen instantly. Unfortunately, as I said, this very rarely has a happy ending. Relationships are not about instant gratification and instantly knowing whether you are "meant to be" with someone.

A healthier, more realistic, and more successful notion is one where you and your partner grow to become "soul mates." In other words, you grow to be in love with one another, to know each other intimately, to cherish and support each other, to share closeness unequal to other relationships. And this can only happen with time.

How do you grow into "soul mates?" Here are some ideas:

• When meeting potential partners, do not look for an instant feeling of recognition or a strong connection. Instead look for a subtle attraction and a subtle connection.
  
• While dating, take time to become good friends and get to know each other. Do not assume you know the person you are dating before you have been with him or her for at least 6 months.
  
• Emphasize excellent communication right from the beginning. Establish a standard of communication both of you are comfortable with, and hold each other to that standard.
  
• Accept each other for who you are. Neither of you will be exactly like the other, nor will you do things in exactly the same ways.
  
• Accept and appreciate each other's shortcomings even as you accept and appreciate each other's good qualities. No one is perfect - not even your soul mate.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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