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Broken Heart 101

(This article provided by: (c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!)

Getting Complete with Past Relationships

Can you tell when someone is unavailable or ambivalent about being in a relationship? Most people can, especially those who are ready for a great, healthy relationship.

People who are unavailable or ambivalent toward forming a relationship will only attract others experiencing the same ambivalence. If you are having trouble attracting a great partner and forming a wonderful relationship, you may be unavailable or experiencing ambivalence yourself.

This may be true about you on a very subtle level, without you realizing it. And if it is true, your lack of availability or ambivalence likely stems from unresolved, unfinished past relationships.

Once they've been hurt, most people will try to avoid a situation that hints at the same hurt again. It is the self-preservation instinct, no different than touching fire, feeling it burn, and becoming averse to touching it again. The same thing happens in relationships. If you express yourself and get hurt for it, you will have trouble expressing yourself as freely the next time, be it with the same or a different partner. If you ask for what you want and get rejected, it will be harder to ask for what you want again. If you trust and get betrayed, trust will be more difficult the next time.

To allow your self-preservation instinct to shut you down more every time there is emotional hurt is to guarantee you will never experience a great relationship. There is hurt, however slight, in every relationship. An unchecked self-preservation instinct could lead to complete shut down and mistrust. In fact, this is what leads to breakup in many relationships and what leads to a complete lack of dating for many singles.

Will a great partner be attracted to you if you are shut down? Probably not. Will you be able to form a great relationship when you fear hurt? Definitely not.

The antidote for those who shut down for self-preservation is completion. Simply put, if you do not get complete with the person who caused you pain, you will be afraid of getting hurt in the same way by any new partner. When you do get complete, the memory of the hurt will be attached to the one partner who did hurt you.

Once you get complete with the past partner you will feel less compelled to guard against hurt in the future. You will be more open, more attractive, and much less ambivalent.

A point needs to be made about learning from your experiences versus blindly going into self-preservation instinct. Learning is not the same as fear or shut down. To learn something, to observe it and to make a decision about it, is not the same as helplessly being less and less yourself.

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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