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Broken Heart 101

(The following article is provided by: (c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!)

Need for Validation

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Def. Validation: To declare or make legally valid; to mark with an indication of official sanction; to establish the soundness of. Synonym is confirm.

~Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
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We all have a need for validation, a need to know that a job was well done, or that we are attractive, valued, wanted. However, some people have a particularly high need for such affirmation, validation. Do you?

If after reading this article you realize you have a high need for validation, you'll walk away with ideas to help quench your thirst for it. Or if it turns out you do not require a lot of validation from others, use this information to identify those in your life who do and how you can help them with their need.

A high need for validation originates in childhood, when a child does not get enough attention or does not feel valued. The child then grows up seeking that attention as an adult. People with a high need for validation pay an enormous social price. For example, do you experience any of the following:

• People tend to shy away and think you are self-centered.
• People tend to feel uncomfortable around you without knowing exactly why.
• You attract others who have the same need.
• You don't attract trustworthy people/partners.
• You work hard to build up your partner so that she / he can validate you.
• You spend a lot of energy deciding who you should be for others, rather than being yourself.
• People take advantage of you or do things to you that make you feel uncomfortable.
• You tend to feel needy.

To confirm whether you do indeed have a high need for validation, see how many of the following statements describe you. Do you...

• Feel sad when you are not the center of attention?
• Present yourself in a way that calls attention to you immediately?
• Make sure that you are the main topic of conversation?
• Cheat on your partner?
• Overachieve in your career at the cost of taking care of yourself?
• Choose people who you feel are less than you as partners?
• Try hard to get people to like you?
• Feel uncomfortable setting boundaries and saying no?
• Feel better when with company and worse when alone?

Unfortunately, your own need for validation can never be adequately satisfied by anyone but you. To completely meet your need for validation, you must first validate yourself and then ask others to do the same. Here are some specific steps to help you fulfill your need for validation:

• Learn to be there for yourself, talk to yourself or journal. Rather than trying to get your needs met by others, make it clear that you approve of yourself. Have gentle, nurturing, approving conversations with yourself. See yourself for the wonderful being that you are.
• Treat yourself well. In our fast-paced world, self-care is possibly the last thing on your mind. Yet, the less you take care of yourself the more you will need validation and attention from others.
• When feeling needy, take time to yourself. As easy as this may sound, it's not a natural instinct. After all, the last thing a needy person wants is to be alone. However, private time, self talk and self care go a long way to helping you feel less needy.
• Ask trusted others to meet your needs. Figure out exactly what you need in order to feel validated. Ask safe people to say/do the behaviors that will fill your needs. This gives you the validation you seek, while giving others an opportunity to contribute to you.
• Learn to see validation and approval all around you. It is often said that whatever we are trying to prove we can find the evidence for. If you look for evidence that you are important and loved, you will find it as easily as finding the evidence that you are not. There is a constant inflow of attention and love if you know how to look for it. Stop trying to covertly create validation and notice that you already have it.

Good luck!

Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries

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