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Broken Heart
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Broken Heart 101
BEING ALONE: FRIEND OR FOE?
by Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW
The house is empty. It's Saturday. No
sounds. No other people. You have a fleeting memory of good times spending
weekends with someone you loved. But on this day you're alone. You pick up
the phone--but who do you call? What are you going to say? You are alone
today--like you were last night, like you will be tomorrow.
Being alone and loneliness are concerns both
for singles and for couples. Some of you might feel lonely in your marriage.
I often hear of a spouse feeling lonely because his or her partner works
late hours or because even when they are together, there is no meaningful
contact.
On the other hand, I know single people who
live alone, yet have rich, vibrant lives. They rarely, if ever, feel
lonely.
Aloneness:
Within every marriage, friendship, family
relationship, having some 'alone' time is essential. For example, when you
first fall in love, you do everything together. You want to spend every moment
together. However, to develop a strong and lasting relationship, you need
time and space for yourself. Gibran, the great poet says, "A tree cannot
grow in the shade of another. Therefore let there be spaces in your
togetherness." Without aloneness, closeness can begin to feel
smothering.
Aloneness is a gift. Many people are searching
for ways to create 'down time' in their hectic lives. It can be a time of
getting back to your Self, of re-centering, of coming home to your own life.
Most sacred traditions, Eastern, Western, and Native recognize the need we
have for this time. Jewish tradition says: "A person who cannot have an hour
for him/herself a day, is not really a person."
So the first step is to create a space for the
gift of aloneness. Think first about what you can do with this time and space.
Is it time to read, to meditate, to play with the computer, to go fishing--or
just to relax in your favorite spot? How would you like to use this alone
time?
You may plan an activity in that alone time.
If you are caught up in doing, doing, doing, I would encourage you to plan
some time just to be-to relax--and not feel like you have to fill it with
some activity in order to make the most of it. Sometimes doing nothing is
the best thing you can do!
If you are in relationship, see how you can
create this alone time and place for each partner. Talk about it. Respect
the need for breathing room in each person.
Loneliness:
When you find 'alone' time repeatedly turning
into 'loneliness' and negative feelings about your self, others, or life,
then it's time to do something different.
If you are in a marriage or committed relationship
and you're feeling lonely, talk with your partner to help him or her understand
how you experience it. First think of the times, places you feel most lonely.
What do you think in those times? What do you feel in those times? What do
you most fear in that place of loneliness? What can you do to change one
piece of that? What is one small step your partner could take to help
you?
If you're afraid to bring up the subject, or
if you try and it goes nowhere or gets worse, get the help of a trained counselor
to help you explore it and find out what you both can do differently that
can make it more fulfilling for each partner in the relationship.
As a single, if you find loneliness always
'there'--even after you've asked yourself those questions and have tried
to do some of the suggestions that follow, you, too, may benefit from some
brief counseling.
Some Positive Ways to Use Alone Time:
Meditate/pray (there are many forms!), write,
read, walk, create, think, enjoy nature, spend time with a hobby or relaxing
activity, learn something new, listen to music and relax, work in the garden,
soak in a bath/hot tub/pool, etc.
A Few Negative Ways to Use Alone
Time:
Feel sorry for yourself, blame others or yourself
for being alone, go over and over negative events, believe you can never
enjoy yourself unless you're with other people, consider yourself worthless
and undesirable, etc.
Do Something Different!
If you find yourself getting into negative ways
of being alone, or feeling 'lonely', here are a few things you can do in
addition to the positive ways of using alone time:
1) Become
proactive. Know that you do not have
to be powerless over your loneliness or your life. Do the work to change
your mindset and your life. If you need help, look at the self-help section
of bookstore or library, and if necessary, find a counselor who will help
you reclaim your own power and change patterns that keep you from getting
what you want.
2) Meet new
people. Join a group with whom you
share a common interest (reading group, stamp collectors, joggers, etc.)
or take a course. There are many groups and seminars in the community and
in religious traditions that cover a variety of interests. Tell people what
you're interested in and ask if they know of any groups that are meeting.
If you are 55 or over, Elderhostel offers excellent courses all over the
country. They are fun, informative, and friendships are often made. Several
are offered regularly in the Orlando area. The participants are sharp, active,
alive and offer a lot to the programs in addition to what you receive from
the instructors.
3) Take a leadership role in any organization
that you belong to. Offer your knowledge,
time, talent to move your favorite organization forward.
4) Renew old friendships.
Sometimes we grow apart just because
people get caught up in the busyness of life. Making a conscious effort to
renew friendships, or develop a friendship with someone you've met is an
important resource. Call, write, or e-mail someone you haven't contacted
for a while (even if it's 'their turn'!)
5) Volunteer your time to help someone
else. Once a week in our local paper,
the Orlando Sentinel you can find a list of groups who are seeking
volunteers.
6) Look at your own
behavior. What might be ways you
might be rejecting of other people (even though you believe they reject you!)?
How might your other behaviors (criticism, sarcasm focusing on the negative,
monopolizing a person's time, etc.) be uncomfortable for the other person?
Commit to doing at least one thing different.
7) Enjoy
YOURSELF! Make a list of your strengths,
skills, qualities, accomplishments in life. Those are gifts you have to offer
others. It does not help you or the world to deny them or hoard them. If
you don't like being with you, figure out why and do something to become
the person you would like to spend time with.
8) Examine
expectations. How much do you expect
from other people--friends and family? Could you be expecting the impossible
or too much? Do you expect one person to take away your loneliness? Do expect
them to spend more time with you than they are willing or able to give? Placing
such burdens on others tends to drive them away!
9) Start a
journal. Explore your thoughts and
feelings about being alone and anything else that comes up for you. Getting
them on paper helps!
10) Let go of past
relationships. If you are caught
emotionally in an old relationship that has ended, do the work of emotional
closure. Until you can fully say good-bye to the past, you will be enslaved
by it.
11) Get a
pet. Find an animal that you can
care for, that responds to you. Make sure you find one that requires only
the level of care you are willing to provide!
12)
Take care of and nurture something -- flowers, an herb garden, a project,
or a pet.
13)
Rearrange your room, your surroundings to make them more pleasurable,
bright, or cozy. Make where you live a place you like to be!
14)
Learn something new. Think of something you want to know more about.
Take a class, join a group, go to the library, search the Internet. Set yourself
a schedule if you have to.
15)
Start and keep a Gratitude or Blessing Journal. Each day write at
least one thing you are grateful for or that you can see as a blessing in
your life.
16)
If you are grieving the loss of a someone you loved, be gentle with yourself,
take specific actions to help you through the process of grieving. While
pain is part of the process, it does not mean that you cannot spend some
moments enjoying yourself. Ask a friend or family member to do something
with you that you enjoy and then let yourself enjoy it.
Copyright 1996 Dawn Lipthrott, Orlando, Florida
Visit Dawn and read her wonderful articles at:
http://www.relationshipjourney.com
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