Broken Heart 101
How to Help Children Through Divorce or the Breakup
of Your Relationship
by Dawn J. Lipthrott,
LCSW
DO's:
Parents need to work very hard at putting aside
anger toward one another in order to sit down and come to some agreement
about how they will tell children what is going on. Your marriage may end,
but your responsibilities as parents do not end. Your anger, rage, sadness,
fear, are all normal. However, both of you need to work at temporarily putting
aside those intense feelings as you both work to help your children through
this difficult time. Make a commitment to shield your children from parental
conflict. Even if the other parent does not keep their commitment, continue
your own commitment. Children need you to do that!
Tell children together when decision has been
made.
Tell your children about your impending divorce
or separation once decision has been made. Try to give at least a week or
two notice of parent moving out. It is best to tell children with both parents
together, which gives children reassurance that parents will parent together
even if don't live together.
Tell all the children at once. If there is a
wide range in children's ages, it may be helpful later to talk to each one
separately after the initial announcement to give more or less information
according to age.
Make a conscious decision to put aside your conflict
for now to help the children.
While it may be difficult to be calm and rational
at this stage of the crisis, parents should work very hard to explain clearly,
directly to children without fighting or blaming each other.
Communicate clearly to the children that is not
their fault.
Assure children that is not their fault--it is
between the parents. It helps to let them know that they (the children) are
one of the best gifts of the marriage that both parents treasure.
Explain what divorce means. Don't assume they
know!
Children need to be told clearly what is happening
and what divorce means. Don't assume they know what it means just because
they know the word or a friend's parents are divorced. Avoid burdening children
(even older children) with info about sexual relationships and
infidelities.
Let children know that they cannot fix it or
get you back together.
In addition to clearly assuring them that is
not their fault, let them know they cannot do anything to fix it.
Communicate your understanding that this is difficult
for them too.
Parents should also communicate understanding
that this may lead to feelings of hurt and anger in the child and apologize
for this difficult experience.
Give children basic info about what will stay
the same and what will change.
Tell them where they will live right now, what
school going to, etc.. If it will remain the same, let them know that also.
Let them know what changes are expected at this point (example, a stay-at-home
Mom may need to go to work, etc..)
Be clear about visitation with the parent who
is leaving the home.
Once the leaving parent has a new residence,
children should be taken to see it, where they will sleep when they visit,
etc.
Let them know when and how they can contact the
other parent. Set up regular times for contact agreed upon in advance for
a set period of time.
Example of How to Tell Children:
Mommy and Daddy have had some trouble getting
along with each other and although we've tried to make it better, we have
not been successful at fixing it. We are both unhappy and can't seem to make
it better. It has nothing to do with any of you. It's between Mommy and Daddy.
You have not done anything to make it happen and while it may be a hard time
for all of us, you cannot do anything to fix it either.
We are going to get a divorce. That means
we will not be married anymore and we are going to be living in different
houses. We will both always be your Mom and Dad and that won't
change.
Parent who is leaving: "I am going to move
to a new place on Saturday morning. You are going to live here with (Mommy/Daddy)
and keep going to the same school and be with all your friends. When I get
all my stuff moved in, you can come and see my new house because sometimes
you will be able to stay with me overnight. You will have a place to sleep
at my house too because I will always be your Mommy/Daddy.
We have arranged right now for you to live
here, but to visit (Mommy/Daddy) every _____________ . You can also stay
at my house overnight on ______________ . You can talk with me on the phone
on ____________ and ______________nights if you want.
We will always love you and will always take
care of you.
Provide continued structure and stability in
every way possible.
As you progress through the divorce come up with
a co-parenting plan that provides consistency for children with both parents.
If their usual bed-time has been 10:00pm, keep that time at both homes. Both
parents are responsible for providing discipline.
Children need continuity, structure, routine,
consistent discipline, scheduled and regular contact with both parents,
familiarity, predictability as possible. They need clear explanation of what
is going to happen and when. They need to see mutual respect between
parents.
Insure physical safety of yourself and your
children.
When abuse has occurred, steps must be taken
to protect children from further danger.
DON'TS:
Worst things you or your spouse can
do:
-
Open chronic conflict in front of children.
-
Speak in a negative way about the other parent
to your children, or when children can overhear you.
-
Prevent them from contact with the other parent
(whether openly or by instilling feelings of disloyalty if they do, getting
upset before/during/after they visit or speak with other parent, etc.)
-
Abandon your children physically or emotionally.
The most damaging thing for children is chronic
open conflict, blaming, and bitterness between parentswhether
that occurs verbally or through vengeful litigation. This is the most consistent
factor in children suffering long term harm from divorce.
One of the most common mistakes is for one parent
to try to convince the child that s/he is the 'good' or 'fun' parent by letting
them get away with things, buying them presents, letting them stay up as
late as they want, allowing them to do things you did not allow before, etc..
This is confusing and harmful to the child. One of the most important roles
for children to survive divorce with the least amount of injury is to have
loving and consistent parents in both households.
Do not make promises you can't or won't keep.
Do not promise to take a child to an event on Saturday morning and then forget
it or change your mind. This goes both for the custodial and non-custodial
parent.
A parent 'slipping out' while children are in
school, or simply finding a way to avoid the difficulty of being honest and
direct with the children, does more harm. Be honest and clear up front.
What Adults in Therapy Express as Most Painful
Re: Divorce of their Parents:
A parent left and they never heard from that
person again.
A parent left and gradually had less and less
contact.
A parent cared more about their new kids (through
birth, step-family, etc) than about their own flesh and blood child.
One or both parents talked bad about the other
one.
A parent burdened the child with worries and
fears of the parent (sometimes around finances).
A child felt responsible for taking care of an
emotionally vulnerable parent.
Promises were made and never kept (including
visitation).
One or both parents stayed miserable for years
afterward.
One or both parents jumped into a new relationship
and ignored child's concerns and needs.
A parent jumped into a new relationship that
was 'worse' for them and the children than the first.
Parents embarrassed them by acting/dressing like
teenagers.
Parents spread the news to anyone who would listen,
telling them how terrible the other parent was.
Child felt that if they continued to love or
see or talk with one parent, the other would hate or disown them, or make
them feel guilty and disloyal.
Parents tried to buy their love.
Feeling all alone in the family and in the
world.
One parent interrogating them about the other
parent and child feeling caught in middle.
Copyright 1996 Dawn Lipthrott, Orlando, Florida
Visit Dawn and read her wonderful articles at:
http://www.relationshipjourney.com
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